Communicating with Your Children: The Language of Love, Have You Learned It?

–Dr. Liu Ying Discusses How to Communicate with Adult Children (Socializing Edition, Lecture Three).

–Compiled by Apple and Jim

Dr. Liu Ying’s series of lectures on communication with adult children sparked a huge response when the first two were held on the Chinese American Network (CAN) platform for matchmaking among alumni of prestigious American universities (https://canetwork.net/). A total of more than 500 people participated in the exchanges. The feedback after the sessions was also exceptionally enthusiastic. Many parents were deeply inspired by Dr. Liu’s classes and actively applied their new insights and understandings in their interactions with their children.

Dr. Liu’s third lecture was still full of practical content. It specifically highlighted:

  • Let go! There is a kind of love called letting go
  • How to break the “taboo” of dating topics
  • Listen quickly, speak slowly
  • The language of love.

The latter part ofalso provides detailed guidance on communicating with children, especially techniques for listening and speaking, considerations for ABC (American-born Chinese) participation in prayer, and interactions with international students and their in-laws. It is worth reading the entire article carefully and bookmarking it.

The feedback from parents/audience at the end of the article is also very impressive. 

Many thanks to Professor Liu for her enriching and lively speeches with real-life examples, answering parents’ questions. Thanks to CAN for providing a platform for parents to learn and change their attitudes in a timely manner; thanks to parents for their support, sharing, and willingness to learn. Special thanks to Professor Liu Ying for starting early on Zoom, providing guidance to parents in need before class, and answering parents’ questions after class, without rest for the entire five or six hours. Gratitude to Professor Liu Ying for her diligent cultivation and selfless dedication. More than 150 people participated in this lecture, and after the main session, more than 100 parents participated in the Q&A session or shared their personal experiences.

Dr. Liu Ying’s presentation is one of the recent series of presentations prominently featured by our CAN community. (Another popular series is “Faith and the Workplace”, with the most recent sessions on March 2 and March 23, led by Dr. Matthias, who was born in Germany.)

Here is a summary of the lecture by Dr. Liu Ying (Amy): Overall, parents have different worries and requirements for their children at each stage of life, which leads to anxiety and troubles at different times. For example, when children are young, parents hope they grow up healthy; during school years, they expect them to attend prestigious universities; when they start working, parents hope they land a decent job that stands out, ideally with a high salary at a multinational company; and when it comes to finding a partner, they prefer not to have the challenges of “an outsider marrying a local,” which can complicate communication and acceptance. Suppressing comparisons and forcing expectations can easily cause psychological stress and anxiety. In fact, as parents, we have also gone through this ourselves. The basic principle of communication between parents and adult children: Treat your children as colleagues, friends, and adults, not as little kids. Learn to let go and release control.

Letting Go:

Definition →

  1. Release constraints, break worries (liberate thoughts, change cognition);
  2. Stopping control, handing over to others (children).

Prerequisites →

  1. Acknowledge that children are independent adults;
  2. Recognize the differences between generations;
  3. Admit that one’s own knowledge is limited.

New Understanding →

  1. There is a kind of love called letting go;
  2. Letting go and trusting are the best gifts for children.

Mindset →

  1. Out of necessity (although not willingly, but must be acknowledged);
  2. Gradual realization (overly worried about past thoughts, try letting go a bit, and be pleasantly surprised to see children grow);
  3. Pride and relief (grateful for the emotional journey of children’s growth, enjoying the benefits of letting go).

Behaviors →

  1. Do not offer unsolicited advice (avoid unwelcome advice, learn to keep silent);
  2. Do not ask inappropriate questions (stop asking the same question over and over, it’s annoying);
  3. Accept children’s choices (except in matters of life and death, learn to accept even if it’s unpleasant or difficult);
  4. Tolerate differing opinions (avoid judgmental and denying remarks, accept differing political views);
  5. Be willing to compromise (a strained relationship loses everything, can’t change others but can change oneself);
  6. Have one’s own new life (after experiencing empty nest syndrome, emotions and thoughts still linger on the child, find meaningful activities, shift attention, move focus away from the child, have personal life goals). Parents should discuss necessary concerns like health with children, rather than nagging about everyday needs like groceries.

Why has the topic of “dating” become taboo? What dan be done about it?

This is a sensitive issue:

Cognition →

  1. Past failure trauma (whether to get involved, painful memories);
  2. Lack of security (being split up by parents, harboring resentment towards parents);
  3. Unwilling to be seen as a “Loser” (capable individuals find partners on their own, only those who can’t seek parents’ help);
  4. Too busy with work to care about parents’ worries (too busy to bother them);
  5. Insisting on independence, firmly unwilling to let parents intervene (feeling that it is a personal matter).

Emotional Mindset →

  1. Sympathy (being compassionate);
  2. Self-blame (regretting past mistakes of causing separations without considering children’s feelings);
  3. Understanding (ask more about why they feel this way, support their decisions);
  4. Tolerance (can only tolerate);
  5. Acceptance (relationships become harmonious).

Responses →

  1. Stop touching on the topic of dating: to avoid new injuries;
  2. Let time heal their wounds: wait patiently;
  3. Directly admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness: to rebuild relationships;
  4. Give children more trust: affirmation and gratitude (well-founded);
  5. Let go of anxiety, free oneself and give children their freedom;
  6. Pray.

The Art of Listening and Speaking:

  1. Communication Skill: Listening

Definition of Listening:

  • Listening ➸ Tilting the head to listen ➸ Listening carefully ➸ Listening attentively;
  • Listening is an expression of love;
  • A good listener does five things:
    ➽ Gives others time;
    ➽ Concentrates attention;
    ➽ Understands the other person’s meaning;
    ➽ Confirms what is heard;
    ➽ Seeks common ground.

Lack of Listening:
➽ Unwilling to spend time listening;
➽ Impatient listening (interrupting the other);
➽ Not listening carefully and attentively;
➽ Judgmental listening;
➽ Common problems among Chinese parents: prejudice, negative assumptions, quick to conclude. 

Result: Misunderstandings with children, resentment, lack of empathy, inability to accept.

  1. Communication Skill: Speaking

Flaws in Speaking:

  • Judgmental speech;
  • Labeling comments;
  • Long lectures on moral high grounds;
  • Cold, harsh tone;
  • Stubborn insistence on being right;
  • Speaking quickly and giving too many suggestions;
  • Asking too many detailed questions;
  • Nagging and repetitiveness that irritates others. Result: Children feel alienated, annoyed, and silent, leading them to refuse to share and communicate.

Why not frequently ask children (“Have you eaten? Is it cold, did you wear enough clothes?”):

  • Boring (making conversation for the sake of it);
  • Superficial (eliciting one-word responses);
  • Unproductive (conversation enders);
  • Blurred boundaries (forgetting they are adults);
  • Lack of trust (“You don’t know how to take care of yourself”).

Q&A: What is judgmental speech?

Judgmental Examples:

  • Not dating? Don’t scare mom! You’re not gay, are you?
  • Everyone else is doing it, why can’t you? Completely unreasonable!
  • From childhood to now, hasn’t everything mom has done been for your benefit? How come you’re so hard to convince now? I think you’ve studied yourself stupid!
  • You have a narrow and biased understanding of issues, even with a PhD!
  • Mom is just trying to protect you from making mistakes and stepping on landmines. How can you be so ungrateful?
  • You oversimplify and lack common sense, being so stubborn and unadvisable, you’re just going to end up alone.

Incorrect Tone:

  • Questioning;
  • Criticizing;
  • Extremist;
  • Conclusive;
  • Sarcastic and mocking;
  • Overgeneralizing; Result: Most damaging to relationships; most hurtful. Changing habits is hard, but once cognition changes, one becomes careful, slowly changing, learning is for changing.
  1. Four Elements of Nonviolent Communication (Language of Love):

Definition:

Communication is not just talking; it’s any act or word that lets another person feel cared for and understood.

Four Elements:

  • Observation: Non-evaluative observation (objectivity);
  • Feelings: Experiencing and expressing emotions (expressing oneself);
  • Needs: Analyzing deep-rooted causes (like a pyramid, focusing on the base);
  • Requests: Suggestions, not commands (making constructive suggestions, leaving the decision to the other person).

Purpose:

To talk and listen in a way that unites hearts, establishes a connection between hearts, enriching each other’s lives and harmoniously coexisting.

Features:

Objective ➽ Empathetic ➽ Gentle ➽ Wise ➽ Sincere and clear.

(Recommended Books)

  1. Three Suggestions to Improve Listening and Speaking:

① Before changing the way you speak, first change your cognition:

  • Treat your children as adults; as colleagues; as your boss.

② Love in Listening:

  • Listening well is one of the expressions of love; listen patiently, attentively, carefully, and without judgment; this can be achieved if we are willing.

③ Empathy, infusing warmth into language:

  • Empathy means putting yourself in others’ shoes, feeling and understanding others;
  • In EQ theory, it means accurately understanding others’ feelings and emotions, leading to mutual understanding and emotional harmony;
  • Speaking should be based on empathy (with a gentle tone, a patient attitude, and soft words). Result: Gradually, they will be more willing to talk to you, with a little progress each day.

Q&A:  What can we talk about regarding dating?

Good relationships are the key:

① Dating is a growth process (don’t expect success at once; recommend books like “Let Others Speak” and “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping”).

② Share good books (introduce books you agree with; discuss the author’s views).

③ Objective concerns (consider age limitations; be aware that children may have different age standards).

④ Introduce reality (limited number of ABCs; more choices when young; dating takes time).

⑤ Share appropriate examples.

Q&A: What should we not talk about regarding dating?

  • Achieve: Cannot demand; cannot push (making things difficult); do not use love as leverage; do not pressure; Do not spread anxiety; do not overlook difficulties; do not ignore needs; do not relentlessly pursue.
  • Reminder: Children are adults; they must be given ample respect and trust; independence is their right and a sign of their growth; once we understand and change our cognition, letting go becomes easier; many parents are already learning to let go; the need to let go will only increase, we cannot hold on forcibly; letting go early brings freedom sooner.

Q&A: There are too many sensitive topics to consider in discussions about love and marriage, making it hard to clarify with them.

  • Is your own faith clear and firm? If you think a common faith is important for your children;

ABC vs. International Students:

  • Should recognize the differences between the two;
  • Early reminders are more effective than later objections;
  • Ultimately, parents should respect their children’s choices. Regional Concerns:
  • Are they important?
  • Are you worried for yourself or for your children? Political Issues:
  • Do you have your own stance? If the other party is willing to communicate, you might try; But if you are also unclear, better to avoid the topic to prevent tension; (Different stances, difficult to communicate; language barriers); If parents try to convince them, the result is likely to be an unhappy departure.

Summary:

① Communication between generations requires skill: “Listen quickly, speak slowly” encompasses rich principles; What should and should not be said must be very clear; The people around us can become angels or demons, depending on how we speak; The four elements of nonviolent communication: Communication is not just speaking; It includes any words and actions that make others feel cared for, respected, and understood.

② Effective communication requires a good relationship as the foundation: Using forceful methods, the other party will retaliate or avoid; Using respectful and inclusive methods, the other party is more likely to accept and cooperate pleasantly; The more you try to change someone, the stronger their defenses will be, and the less they will change; Real change in others usually comes from feeling loved; Only with empathy can one be gentle; Seeing the other as an independent adult is the foundation of effective communication.

Post-Class Feedback (Summary):

  1. Thanks to Professor Liu for his detailed explanation and guidance in unraveling the confusion! Thank you, Professor Liu, for the heartfelt words last night and the time and effort spent to inspire and guide everyone. Thanks to Professor Liu for taking the valuable time and effort to prepare and conduct the lecture. Professor Liu’s speech was profound and rich, both touching and relevant to life. May Professor Liu’s lectures spread far and wide, benefiting more Chinese families!
  2. I listened! Thank you very much! The message was heartfelt and earnest. Thank you, Professor, I listened and gained a lot! The first half seemed specifically directed at me, the growth process of children, I was a stumbling block…; marriage issues with children, we have no conflicts with our children.
  3. In fact, adult children still deeply desire their parents’ love, we just need to learn how to love them 
  4. Some audience members asked, recently for some reason my child has been ignoring me, I’m very worried and want to mend the relationship. I believe

Dr. Liu’s fourth and final lecture in this series will be held on March 23rd at 8:00 PM Eastern Time. Interested parents please scan the code on the poster and are welcome to join the group for discussion. Friends who are already in groups one and two for communicating and making friends with adult children do not need to join the lecture group; please leave space for newcomers. The information in the three groups is synchronized, thank you all.

Dr. Liu Ying’s Biography:

Dr. Liu Ying holds a Ph.D. in Criminology, focusing on the causes and prevention of improper behavior, including criminal psychology, social mechanisms, cultural impacts, language functions, and more. Recently, her primary research area has been the effects of positive psychological interventions, a shift from traditional studies on negative psychology to training in positive growth psychology. Her extensive academic background enables her to handle topics such as intimate relationships, communication, emotional management, cultural conflicts, domestic violence, and the prevention of extreme behavior in adolescents. This professional background has also allowed her to engage in long-term community education promoting mental and spiritual health. She has established and leads the “Golden Autumn Learning Garden,” which now has over a hundred members.

Announcement:

In May, CAN will launch the “Communicating with Children” online class Based on enthusiastic feedback from parents, Dr. Liu Ying will launch a series of “Communicating with Children” online classes in May. These classes will be taught in small interactive groups, allowing for in-depth discussions and hands-on teaching and exchanges with interested parents. Please stay tuned for registration information (to be announced).

Charitable Donations:

To better promote the expert lecture series organized by the Chinese American Network (CAN) platform, we also hope that parents participating in the activities will make donations to support the lecture series and platform development. Every little bit helps, as “many hands make light work.”

The matchmaking platform for alumni of prestigious American universities of Chinese descent is a nonprofit initiative under the Chinese American Network (CAN, https://canetwork.net/), which safely manages and operates the donation funds through this nonprofit organization.

The platform is currently mobilizing resources to develop the abcdating.net website to better serve its members. There is still a significant gap in manpower and funding, and we hope for your generous support.

Parents interested in donating can use the link below or scan the QR code for details. Thank you for your generosity ❤️, let’s work together to improve our platform.

Donate to CAN

Parents interested in joining [the American Select Colleges ABC Alumni Dating Platform] to help their adult children find connections, please scan the QR code below.

与子女沟通:爱的语言,您学会了吗?
美国名校交友平台(CAN)
03-20
— 刘颖博士谈如何与成年子女沟通(交友篇,第三讲)

Apple and Jim 整理

刘颖博士与成年子女沟通系列讲座前二讲在Chinese American Network (CAN, a nonprofit social organization,https://canetwork.net/ ) 之美国名校华裔校友相亲平台引起了巨大的反响,先后共计有500多人次参加交流。会后反馈亦是异常火爆。很多家长在刘博士的课堂上受到了深深的启发,并把这些新学到的心得和感悟活学活用于与孩子的交流中。

刘博士第三讲还是干货满满。其中重点讲到了:

• Let go! 有一种爱叫放手

• 如何打破dating话题的"禁区"

• 快快地听,慢慢地说

• 爱的语言

本文下部还有详细的手把手与子女沟通,特别是听和说的技巧, 有关ABC参与祈祷,与留学生背景的孩子和亲家们交往的一些考虑等,值得仔细阅读全文并收藏。

文末的家长/听众反馈亦非常精彩。

非常感谢刘教授丰富精彩并有生活实例的演讲为家长们解答疑难。感谢CAN提供舞台,让家长们能及时学习有意愿改变心态;感谢家长们支持与分享和有一颗愿意学习的心。特别要感谢刘颖教授提前上Zoom,课前帮助有需要的家长给予指导,课后还要解答家长们提出疑问,全程五、六个小时没有休息。感恩刘颖教授为大家辛勤的耕耘与无私付出。本次讲座有150余人参与,主课结束后,还有100多位家长参与问答环节或分享个人经历。

刘颖博士的报告会是近期咱们CAN社区着重推出的系列报告会之一。

(另一个很受欢迎的报告会是"信仰和职场"系列,最近的两期是三月二日和三月二十三日,由出生于德国的Matthias 博士主讲。)

以下是刘颖博士(Amy) 的讲座摘要:

纵观来看,父母对每个时期的孩子们的要求与不同经历都有不同的担忧,从而带来不同时段的焦虑与烦恼。就像孩子小的时候希望他们能健康成长;读书的时候期望他们读名校;长大出来工作盼望他们有份体面工作能出人头地高薪跨国企业;找对象时最好不要“外来媳妇本地郎“难以沟通与接纳等等。压抑攀比强容易造成心理压力与焦虑。其实想想作为父母我们也是这样走过来。

父母与成年子女沟通基本原则:把子女看成同事、朋友、成年人,不要把子女看成小孩,学会释怀,放手。

放手Let Go:

定义→

1.解除束缚,打破顾虑(思想解放,认知改变);

2.停止掌管,转交别人(儿女)。

前提→

1.承认儿女是独立成人;

2.承认两代人之间差异;

3.承认自己认知有限。

新认知→

1.有一种爱叫放手

2.放手与信任是对儿女最好的礼物

心态→

1.迫不得已(虽然不是心甘情愿但必须承认);

2.逐渐醒悟(对过去想法过于担忧,尝试放手一点,惊喜发现孩子长大);

3.自豪欣慰(感恩孩子逐渐成长变化的心路历程,尝到放手的甜头)。

表现→

1.不给不请而来的建议(不受欢迎建议千万不要,学会闭口);

2.不问不该问的问题(不要老问同一个问题,啰嗦烦人);

3.接受儿女的选择(除了生死,学会接受哪怕不顺眼,难受,与其无可奈何不如选择接受);

4.包容不同的意见(评判与否认的话不要说,政见立场不同学会接受);

5.愿意妥协止步(关系僵了就失去一切,改变不了别人只能改变自己)

6.有自己的新生活(空巢缺失后情绪心态思念还在孩子身上,找一些有意义的事做,转移注意力,把眼光从孩子身上挪开,有自己生活目标)。

父母需要跟孩子聊的问题是比如生病需要关心,而不是唠叨柴米油盐温饱。

为什么“dating”话题成为禁区?怎么办?

这是一个敏感问题:

认知→

1.过去失败创伤(是否投入,不堪回忆);

2.缺乏安全感(被父母拆散,与父母结下心结);

3.不甘心当”Loser”(有本事自己找,没本事才找父母);

4.工作繁忙无暇顾及父母担心(实在太忙不忍心打扰);

5.坚持独立自主坚决不愿父母介入(感觉是自己的事情)。

情绪心态→

1.同情(有同情心);

2.自责(以前错误拆散没顾孩子感受);

3.理解(多问为什么这么想,支持决定);

4.包容(只能包容);

5.接纳。(关系和睦了)。

应对→

1.停止触碰交友话题: 避免新的伤害;

2.让时间治愈他们创伤: 耐心等候;

3.直接认错请求原谅: 重建关系;

4.给儿女多一些信任: 肯定与感恩(有根据有基础);

5.放下焦虑、释放自己也给儿女自由

6.祷告。

听与说的艺术:

1.沟通的技巧:听的问题

倾听定义→

倾听➸侧头听➸仔细听➸认真听;

倾听是爱的表现;

好的倾听者会做五件事:

➽给他人时间;

➽集中注意力;

➽明白对方意思;

➽确认所听到的;

➽寻求共通点。

倾听的缺乏→

➽不愿花时间的听;

➽没有耐心的听(打断对方);

➽不认真仔细的听;

➽带评判的听;

➽华人父母最常见的问题: 先入为主、负面推导、轻易定论。

结果:对儿女的误解、 反感、 难以同理、 无法接纳。

2.沟通的技巧:说的问题

说话的缺陷→

评判性的说

标签式评论

大道理连篇

冰冷强硬口气

自以为是的坚持

说的快建议多多

事无巨细都要问

啰嗦重复惹人烦。

结果:儿女反感、讨厌、沉默、由此而拒绝分享沟通。

为什么不要常问孩子(“你吃了没有?天冷了,穿够衣服了吗?“)

无聊(没话找话说)

表面性(一个字的回答)

难以推进( 谈话终结)

界线不明(忘记了他是个成人)

缺乏信任( 你不懂管好自己)。

Q&A:什么是评判性说话?

评判式的→

不谈恋爱? 别吓妈妈呀! 你不是同性恋吧?

别人都参加了,你为什么就不能? 真是不可理喻!

从小到大,妈妈做哪件事不是为了你好,怎么现在就那么难劝? 我看你是读书读傻了!

你是一知半解、 看问题狭隘又偏见! 还是个博士!

妈妈是怕你吃亏走弯路、 避开前面的地雷。 怎么就不知好歹呢?

看事简单缺乏常识、 像你如此固执不听劝、只能成为剩女/男了。

错误的口气→

质疑的

批评式的

偏激性的

定论性的

挖苦讽刺性的

推而广之的

结果:最影响关系;最带来伤害。要改变习惯很难,但认知改变了就会小心,一点点去改变,学习就是为了改变。

3.非暴力沟通的四要素(爱的语言):

定义→

沟通不只是对话;而是指一切让他人感受到关心。尊重理解的话语和行为。

四要素→

观察: 不带评价的观察(客观性)

感受: 体会和表达情绪(表达自己)

需要: 分析深层的原因(像金字塔,要看到低层)

请求: 是建议不是命令(提出有建设性建议,决定权留给对方)

目的→

以此来谈话和倾听、 能使人們心意

相通。建立心与心之间的连接、 丰富彼此的生命和谐共处。

特点→

客观的➽同理的➽温和的➽有智慧的➽诚恳明确的。

(好书推荐)

4.改善听与说的三个建议:

①改变说话方式前、 先改变认知➸

对待儿女如成人;对待儿女如同事;对待儿女如老板。

②倾听中有爱➸

好好听是爱表現之一;耐心听、 认真听、 仔细的听、 不带评判的听;只要我们愿意就能做到。

③同理、 为语言注入温暖➸

同理心就是将心比心,设身处地去感受,去体谅他人;

在EQ理论中,它是指正确了解他人的感受和情绪,进而做到相互理解,关怀和情感上的融洽;

在同理的基础上才能说话(以温和的语气;有耐心的态度;用柔软的话语)。

结果:逐渐越来越愿意跟你说,每天都有一点点进步。

Q&A:在交友问题上,我们可以讲什么?

好的关系是大前提 ➽

①交友是个成长的过程(不要期望一次成功;推荐好书 《让别人说》《How to Get a Date Worth Keeping》)。

②好书分享(介绍你认同的书籍;讨论作者的观点)。

③客观的担心(年龄的限制;注意儿女可能有不同年龄标准)。

④介绍现实(ABC数量有限;年轻时选择多;谈恋爱需要时间)。

⑤分享合适的实例。

Q&A:在交友问题上,我们不应该讲什么?

做到➽

不能要求;不能pushing (强人所难);不要爱的绑架;不要加压;

不要传染焦虑;不要无视难处;不要忽略需要;不要穷追不放。

再次提醒➽

儿女是成年人;必须给予足够的尊重,信任;独立自主是他们的权力;也是他们成长的标志;我们想通了,认知改变了;放手就不那么艰难了;不少的父母已经开始学习放手;往前者,放手的需要只会增多、我们拼命也是捉不住的;早放手早得自由。

Q&A:恋爱婚姻问题上,参与敏感话题等考虑的因素太多,和他们说不清楚。

你自己的信仰清楚坚定吗?

如果你认为: 共同信仰对儿女很重要;

ABC  VS  留学生考虑➽

应该看到两者的差异;

早提醒比事后反对更有效;

最终家长应该尊重儿女的选择。

地域顾虑➽

重要吗?

你是为自己担心还是为儿女考虑?

政治问题➽

你有自己的立场吗?如果对方愿意交流的话,可以尝试;

但如果自己也讲不清楚。就应该放弃不谈,以免造成关系紧张;

(立场不一、 难以沟通;还有语言障碍);

如果家长企图说服他们,结果是不欢而散。

5.归纳小结:

①两代人沟通需要技巧➽

快快听慢慢说包涵着丰富的原则;

什么该说什么不该说需要十分清楚;

我们旁边的人会变成天使或恶魔,取决于我们说话的方式;

非暴力沟通的四要素:沟通不是简单的说话;

是指任何让他人感受到的关心,尊重,理解的话语与行为。

②有效的沟通需要以良好相处为基础➽

用强迫的方式,对方就会反击或逃避;

用尊重包容方式,对方就容易接受并愉快与我们合作;

越要改变对方,对方所建筑的防御就越强,越不会改变;

对方真正的改变,通常是因为感受到爱;

有同理心才能温柔以待;

视对方为独立成人才是有效沟通的基础。

课后反馈(摘要):

1.感谢 刘教授和声细语的讲解与指点迷津!感谢 刘教授 昨天晚上3个多小时的和声细语循循善诱的讲解🙏🙏辛苦了😓❤️❤️🌹🌹非常感谢刘教授昨晚的肺腑之言感谢感恩您花费这么多时间和精力来启发指导大家。感谢刘教授抽出宝贵的时间和精力来准备并举办讲座。刘教授的讲话语重心长,内容丰富,既动听又贴近生活。但愿刘教授的讲座广而播之,让更多华裔家庭受益!🙏👍

2.我听了! 非常感谢!语重心长,苦口婆心。谢谢教授我听了,受益匪浅!前一半,好像是专门对我说的,孩子成长过程,我是判脚石……;孩子婚姻问题,我们与孩子没矛盾。

3.其实成年儿女仍然十分渴望父母的关爱,我们只需要学习如何去爱他们[愉快][愉快]

4.有些听众提问,最近因某些原因孩子不理睬我了,很担心想修复关系。相信仔细听了刘颖教授倾情演绎后一定有答案与收获。

5. 是的,女儿刚上大学时,从不主动打电话。她越不打电话我越想找她,然后就生气她不接电话。她从小被周围人夸的最多的就是她的nice. 我就不明白她为什么对我这么cold. 后来才明白孩子是独立长大了。 她说当在外面什么都需要靠自己的时候就忽然长大了。 所以你的课是一点我就通,都是过来人了。[Grin]

我非常认同您说的,我知道的没有他们多,要有同理心,他们真的不容易,希望我自己能变得更有智慧,可以能正确到位的帮到她

6. 我们这一代跟我们的父母和我们的小孩都像不在一个平行世界,除了代沟还有国度文化认知的鸿沟

7. 非常感谢您花这么多的精力和时间来帮助我们,我觉得您孩子们的同情心应该也是被您身教言传的

8. 我自己很清楚我的错误的[Awkward] 希望不要继续错,但每个阶段的challenge 不一样[Facepalm]

是的,所以需要不断学习.  一旦我们承认自己的有限无能时,身心都释放了,放手也就可能了

9. 我們在幼兒時期,花了兩三年學會說話,卻可能要花一輩子,去學會閉嘴。沉默是種智慧,也是一種修為。百戰百勝,不如一忍,萬言萬當,不如一默。」沉默是金,謹言慎行,才能减少误解与伤害。

———

听和说是建立人际关系的重要步骤。“快快地听,慢慢地说,慢慢地动怒,”是圣经中最普通、最重要、最实用、最难行的经文之一。

在实际生活中,快快地听包含“不遗漏地听”的意思,这样可以体会别人的需要,是维持良好社会关系和家庭关系的重要性。戴尔.卡耐基:“你花两周做一个好的听众比你花两年时间试图让别人对你感兴趣所赢得的朋友还要多。

”慢慢地说(Slow to speak),是要谨慎自己的话语,因为人说的话,犹如覆水难收。话说的得当,真的让人有“良言一句三冬暖”的感觉。“你们的言语要常常带着和气,好像用盐调和,就可知道该怎样回答各人。”

生活不易,为爱点燃一盏灯,为爱留一处空间,因为爱能遮掩一切过错。天下人间最难发展就是一个看事情观点与角度(心态),当一个人感受到爱的时候,他才会努力超越自己去做发自内心的有持久性的改变。愿我们继续努力学习,在了解儿女同时认识自己,构筑父母与成年儿女沟通的和谐相处桥梁,共建美好幸福快乐家园。

———————

刘博士的第四场讲座,也是本系列最后一个讲座,将于三月二十三日美东时间晚八时正举行。感兴趣的家长请扫海报上的码,欢迎进群接龙讨论。 已经在与成年子女沟通交友一群和二群的朋友,不需要进讲座群,请把位置让给新人。三个群信息是同步的,谢谢大家。

刘颖博士简介:

刘颖博士拥有司法犯罪学博士学位,主攻非正当行为之原因及预防,包括犯罪心理,社会机制,文化影响,语言功能等等。近期她的重点研究领域为积极心理干预的效应,这是从传统研究负面消极心理转入积极成长心理的培训。她的广阔学术背景使她能够驾驭親密关系,沟通交流,情绪管理,文化冲突,家暴及青少年偏激行为的防犯等课题。也因为这些专业背景,使她得以长期从事社区身心灵健康的推广教育。其建立并主讲的"金秋快乐学习园"已有一百多成员。

预告:五月份CAN将推出"与子女沟通"云课堂

根据家长们的热烈反馈,刘颖博士将在5月份推出"与子女沟通"云课堂系列,以小班互动教学的方式,与感兴趣的家长进一步进行深度探讨及手把手实践教学和交流,敬请关注(报名通知后发)。

爱心捐赠

为了更好地推动Chinese American Network (CAN)平台组织的专家讲座系列活动,我们也希望参与活动的家长对系列讲座活动及平台建设作爱心捐赠,数目不在多少,众人拾柴火焰高。

美国名校华裔校友相亲平台隶属于非营利组织Chinese American Network (CAN,https://canetwork.net/),并通过CAN这个nonprofit 组织来安全管理和运作捐赠资金。

平台目前正组织力量来开发abcdating.net 网站,以更好服务平台成员。项目人力和资金缺口还较大,也望大家能爱心支持。

有意捐赠的家长可用下面链接,或扫下面码获取详情。感谢大家的爱心❤️, 让大家携手把平台越办越好!🌹

https://buy.stripe.com/cN2bM03552Jgd9ucMN